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Sunday, June 27, 2004
 
And at the start of Sunday evening all i wanted to do was get slightly drunk and have a good sleep. What i did end up doing was
a) watch other people get drunk
b) dance after being forced to
c) eat maggi in place of dinner
d) comfort you about your ex.
e) watch you make a fool of yourself
f) flush loos that werent
g) try to sleep till at 5.30 a.m. i gave up the fight.

I think it's going to be a great week.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
 
Is this as good as it gets? I am afraid it might be.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
 
I said i would mention tonight/this mornings conversation in my book (in a chapter titled "how i finished my summer project in one night")..but in the meanwhile here is to the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

i am always at my corny best when I have had no sleep, but the sentiment is genuine.
 
And this is the best time of the day - just before the sun rises, barefoot on the slightly moist grass, memories of other sunrises (too few), faint light in the horizon - the night is through, my work is not done but on the upside, I shall be eating breakfast for the first time in months.
 
You are right aisi, what happened to my sane life? Atleast at that time, the madness was only in my head and not for the world to see.
 
The question is, How do i go and face a few people tomorrow knowing that they know.

Unfortunately stupidity is not fatal.
 
Two cups of tea in a flimsy paper glass meant to hold cold coffee, a mounted fan providing the only movement in the room - dont dare move two inches this way or that - i will miss the breeze.

Did you think there would be a point to this post? There isnt.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
 
I do not know who I am madder at - you or me, me for having my unreal expectations, you for not even fulfilling the most basic of them.
Saturday, December 20, 2003
 
How can i redeem you so easily but search for redemption myself?
 
Well I was deceived but only because I wanted to be and because I very badly wanted to believe.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
 
The only thing on my mind is the one thing I do not dare say out loud. Not because it is earth-shakingly profound but because it is excessively banal - a story you would see played out a hundred times. For the first time I am condemned to silence.
Monday, December 08, 2003
 
Freefloating - at a point where no ties bind me to anyone and anyplace. Its only the now that counts, nothing before and nothing beyond. Cant say if thats a good thing or bad, it just is.
As you can see, theres a reason I have not written for so long, even my usual 15 word sentences are delivered post depressingly long labour.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
 
Found in 'Blogs of note' a site on celebrities and plastic surgery - you spend millions of dollars and look worse than you could ever have if you had allowed yourself to age naturally. It does not pay to try and outwit time.

Sunday, November 30, 2003
 
Shom, to more conversations.
 
Strip me of my pretensions. One is ordinary after all, with the commonest of woes and wanting the most superficial of joys.
Sunday, November 16, 2003
 
Dream the vividest of dreams, feel the lightness of being where I'd like to be with the people I'd like to be with. Wake up with the most acute sense of disappointment.
No need for Freud here - my dreams are clearer than reality itself.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
 
Why shouldnt humans hibernate? Life would look a whole lot better after six months of sleep. Sleeping Beauty had the right idea ...plus she was woken up at the end of it all by handsome prince not bloody alarm clock.
 
I want to be a child - atleast then i will have some justifications for my feelings.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
 
For sheer imaptness, this blog should be called 'Sunshine and Cheer'. I am becoming a firm believer in the irony of life.
 
English is a very inadequate language when you need to cuss.
 
I think it is the fact that in the end it all comes down to me, my actions and attitudes that gives me the most anxiety.

 
Caught myself smiling on Sunday evening, if I had known what Monday had in store for me, I would not have bothered.

Thursday, October 30, 2003
 
With every step of the journey, you are faced with infinite choices. Each choice will lead you to a whole different life, you will know different people, do different things and be someone different. You make your choice, by serendipity or by careful thought and when you take a step in that direction, the other choices disappear. The doors slam shut behind you with finality. All you can do is look ahead where again your choices lie. Such is life dearest, you can never second guess - only hope that you will be thankful for this life, these things and these people.
 
The best way to say something, most likely its already been said.
 
How many other people can try to guess the answers to ten true/false questions and get nine of them wrong? Murphy must have had me in mind when he made that law.
Monday, October 27, 2003
 
Have learnt that the best way to get help is to ask for it. Pride has to take a backseat sometime.
Let me not forget however to emphasise the 'sometime'.
 
How to go from pleasantly high to dead sober in a minute: be presented with a bill for 8k when all you have is 3.5k. Had visions of all of us upto our elbows in soapsud for the night paying off our binge.
But credit cards were flashed and pockets were emptied of their last coins, so all was well...all except the fact that a late late party is not the way to start a new week.

Sunday, October 19, 2003
 
You are still one of the best listeners around - to listen without prejudice and without judgement, without the cliched remarks and to refrain from false sympathy or even worse, pity. I wish we could talk more often.
And in the meanwhile , shine on, you crazy diamond. Have an amazing life ahead.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
 
So what is it better to be - A jack of all trades or a master at one?
 
WHen the night closes in, old ghosts reappear more solid than before, voices seem closer and every action takes on an intensity fuelled by the darkness, happiness seems more happy and despair more desperate. The past is breathing down your neck and the future stares you in the face but all is strangely illusory - surreal. Black and white and nothing in between.
And you pray for morning.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
 
Its funny how the Monday morning blues start to hit you around 8 p.m. on a Sunday night and last well into Thursday.
 
And I want to stop seeking for something that I will never find, walk away without a backward glance, throw up my hands and hibernate, never feel this alone, yell and scream and beg, beg-on-my-knees to escape my mind- my weakness, beg for healing.

I said I was fine but I am not and I dont want to have to fight the feeling anymore.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
 
I was going to say I feel numb, then realised that it was such an oxymoron and then realised but that's exactly how I feel.
 
Breakfast. What happened to sitting in your balcony, sipping that amazing coffee, contemplating a lazy day ahead. Those dosas at Kamat after our power walks - another excuse to dissect the world and those in that sunlit patio laughing till my sides ached, my circle of protection. Now reduced to a two minute dash to the mess, buttering two slices of lukewarm toast and stuffing my face as I run to class. Bon appetit.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
 
Probably the best lesson to learn is to when to keep your mouth shut.
You would think that after several episodes of foot-in-mouth, I would have understood that but no, no, no, my capacity for self-destruction is immense.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
 
You will always need some people more than they will ever need you.
 
Isn't distance supposed to give you perspective?
Honestly get more perspective from reading Dilbert.
 
Even the long weekend aint looking that good right now.
This is what happens when you have two slabs of buterscotch icecream for dinner.
Thinking is very dangerous on an empty stomach.
 
Am i supposed to feel better or worse when you tell me, 'a lot of other people have gone through this, you will come out of it ok'?

 
A lot of people taking advantage of the long weekend to head home/elsewhere for a break.
I would leave too - if only I knew where I wanted to be.
 
Remember wanting to be to too tired to think - drive my body to exhaustion so I wont be able to form a coherent thought. I am dead beat right now but the thoughts are still very much around.
Monday, September 29, 2003
 
And speaking of holidays, festivals should not be allowed to fall on weekends - could i have a llittle cooperation from the stars on this one please!
 
You know you need a break when your term has just started and you have already memorised the list of the holidays in the next three months (not too many, the tyrants)
 
Classes at 8.30 in the morning four days in a row - is someone up there having a jolly good laugh at all the non-morning people(me and 95% of the class).
Well atleast by the end of this term I would have perfected the art of getting ready in three minutes flat.
 
Over the weekend, saw the daftest movie in the whole wide world - Pirates of the Carribean. Scripted by an 8 year old, costumes by a not-very-bright 8 year old, acting that would make puppets look alive, and dialogues from a book called 'The world's corniest lines'.
Thankfully redeemed by some excellent company.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
 
There are some people who grow on you- the surprise packages and every layer you uncover a joy.

Too bad they are outnumbered by the people who look good at first and second glance and then the warts become way too apparent.
 
What cheeses me off - people who walk to the first couple of individuals standing in queue, pretend to strike up a conversation with them and then insinuate themselves into the line...if you have to be despicably rude, atleast be blatant about it.

also the idiot who didn't read the bright yellow sign that said "Do not disturb - people asleep inside" and knocked loudly on the door successfully ruining my well-deserved nap...grrr.
 
I can see you hunched over the computer, running your hand through your hair, your glasses reflecting the glare of the monitor and today, I feel nothing - you have finally been banished to memory.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
 
'Caveat Emptor' is how he described me - I agree.
 
I love this keyboard - it sounds like a typewriter..actually makes me feel like i am writing- sweating it out, somehow the new ergonomic ones give me no satisfaction whatsoever, fingers gliding over the keys with barely a whisper - give me clackity clack clack anyday...though my roommate would disagree.
 
Unfortunately inadequacy is what you will come across all your life- inadequate time, resources, people and you.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
 
Music, a cup of hot lemon tea, room bolted from the inside, cell phone off, one crocin down my gullet...its easy to block out the world sometimes.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
 
Competition does bring out the worst in people.
 
JR, did i mention how excellent it would have been to have you here.
 
I would have an existential crisis, but right now I have absolutely no time.
 
To think that the words 'strategy', 'dynamic', 'core competence' 'consumer value' is what I am going to hear practically everyday for the rest of my life.
No more 'value addition' cheri, j'en ai assez.
 
Its not that I dislike some people..let me put it this way, if certain someones were to trip and get a big shiny bruise, I wouldn't be overwhelmed by sorrow.
Maturity, Aditi, maturity.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
 
Have i said this before?
Faith is the hardest thing. To believe with all your mind and heart against rationality and possibility sometimes. To feel a certainity.
I think i have taken the easy way out with doubt and suspicion.
 
How badly do I have to want for it to happen?
 
Why do I have this blog?
Got asked this. Good q. Quality of posts - detriorating, frequency of posts- detriorating, broadness of thought - non-existent.
So its down to indulgence, my alowance to my mind.
And EH, if the current posts arent enough to get your teeth into, you have the right idea - read the archives - its what I do :-).

 
So how does it feel to be in the bottom 10% of the class after having been in the top ten all your life? depressing, one of those very bad nightmares coming true. dreading the thought of the next exam. but then again cant get much worse can it?

this is a good time for someone to tell me the exams are not a sign of my intelligence, that my placements will be allright nevertheless and that i have not effectively ruined my future with bad grades (cause thats everyone thinks)

Bloody hell, i need to be convinced.

Also can someone look into the future n tell me if the operations paper is going to be the diasaster it was the last time around.

I told you i was stuck in a rut didnt I?

 
Well a good thing at any rate, dug out a couple of tennis racquets (thank you roomie) and managed to get myself playing...pretty decent after what, 6 years. Still have the lousy forehand but the service and backhand are not that rusty.I can hear coach going in my ear, eye on the ball, connect at the centre and follow through.

Excellent advice i must say.
 
Going through all the files saved on my system and one huge file containing all my blog archives (for those days when I lived with a quirky dial-up and would save my posts on MS Word before transferring them to blogger), its amazing the stuff I thought of - I seem to have lost that knack and now try as I might, my mind seems stuck, and i wish i could change track ..how long is writer's block supposed to last anyway? or even worse is it a thought block?


Friday, September 12, 2003
 
Yes sir, been a great year, much treasured mails and long conversations and the not-so-pleasant bits too. Here's to a lot more of the same.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
 
And i dont know what I miss - but its probably your hug, balance, breakfast, you and you and you, vacations, acing the exams, laughter...

and the sleep.
 
What worries me is that I shall forget that i have a life outside this school and more importantly a thought outside this mindset. of cgpa and placements.

I have to keep reminding myself everyday.


 
Another weekend passes- too fast for me - now if only the rest of the week would follow its cue.
Friday, September 05, 2003
 
Issues issues - you are supposed to mull over stuff i write here. and all i have done tonight is blab. its nearly three in the morning and i have had an average of four hours of sleep over the week so i shall excuse myself now.
 
So what new insights have I gained in the past two months at b-school. People will surprise you all the time and mostly not in a good way.

Boy, dont I have the knack of making a rather cliched statement sound like a bloody revelation.
 
To the people who read my blog and are nice enough to leave a comment, thank you. i dont reply to your comments (why? i am not so sure why) but they are very much appreciated. keep stopping by.
 
Its so long since i logged into blogger - yet my username and password come instinctively - i only wish the words did too. But the three hundred and six thoughts leapfrogging in my head prove very elusive when i need to put them down into concrete words. even words have become too definite for me - if i put them down, they become too real and i can see old ghosts hovering around them.
and i want to say it all and i find that i cant.
Sunday, July 20, 2003
 
When the stars in my room will be abruptly put out tonight, it'll be my lonliest night in a long time. Like mother turtles that come ashore, but for a brief while, to leave their seed in grainy graves, I came home, for a brief while. The directions Mr.Bow shot his arrows are yet unknown, and we wait. Like the patient lover in torrential rain, I wait.

Time and hope, I always believe, can never dance together on the same floor. For when suddenly all hope is lost, time seems to be a-plenty. There are few who manage their reserviors of time and hope well. Strangely, they are magnamously called recluses by the self proclaimed happiness pundit.

Into the pangs of the night, a freefall of destiny. Of choices made and chances turned away. Into a cold, soft, large and lonely bed, I'll tuck back in. Where the dreams of a cottage by the sea, I hear, come creeping in.

 
when anyone is as tired as I am right now, it's usually after climbing huge unsurpassable mountains, or after running the marathon a few dozen times. no mountains scaled, no tape cut in half by a final surge of breathe. this is the fatigue of success, something that i never thought would come a-knocking so soon. i could have a lil party to celebrate, if my aching body could think straight right now. instead am holed up inside, jabbering to someone i don't really know. pondering the things that will see me running around tomorrow again. a fresh lap, a few hurdles to jump over. somehow, somewhere i know this is just a meagre start to a long race.


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